


Find me a place

by mkhhhx



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Gen, M/M, Minor Character Death, Sexual Content, Suicide, Violence, War, all in, alligator - Freeform, mx polyship bingo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-23 03:50:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18146603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mkhhhx/pseuds/mkhhhx
Summary: Changkyun has heard countless stories about the old prison at the borders, knows that nobody makes it out alive. But Jooheon ensures him, Kihyun and Hyungwon are going to keep him safe.





	Find me a place

**Author's Note:**

> For the "MV inspired" square.

The ride is silent, except from the occasional sound of a lightening striking somewhere near them, or a crow screeching. The road is bumpy, asphalt giving way to damp soil and rocks the more they drive out of the city and into the mountains. It’s misty and cold, the tundra spreading before them lacking of life apart from the small bushes peeking out of the mud. There’s a bird flying above them every now and then, the silhouette of an elk at the roadside. The sky is filled with dark clouds and the car machine grows loudly trying to keep up the speed on this excuse of a road.

Changkyun zips his leather jacket as far up as it goes and balls to himself on his seat, Jooheon sparing him a brief look. He’s heard a lot of stories about this place, the old prison at the borders. Some from Jooheon, some from his grandmother. They were all horrible and right then and there, in the middle of transitioning from the city to this godforsaken place he’s starting to have doubts. But Jooheon had assured him he’s gonna be alright, “we need backup” he had said, “Hyungwon and Kihyun will keep you safe” he told Changkyun in that brotherly tone.

Changkyun wasn’t supposed to be scared, but he still was. After all, deep down he knew he was just a kid in a grown up body, trying to survive by fitting in the revolutionary forces. It was either that, or a life in isolation, hiding somewhere equally if more unpleasant as this. When Jooheon asked him if he wanted to go to the border, he knew he didn’t really have a choice. There were new people at the central now, way more skilled than him and he would be discarded one way or another eventually.

“We’ll be there in a few.” Jooheon mumbles, the rain so thick the windshield wipers don’t do much more than granting them visibility for only a few seconds at time. But Changkyun doesn’t mind, he knows Jooheon could drive them to the border with his eyes closed.

“Just don’t mention anything about Hoseok.” Jooheon whispers between gritted teeth.

“Yes” Changkyun gulps down. “I won’t.”

He remembers the night Kihyun sent the news. It was a brief message. “Commander Hoseok was captured and shoot. Cannot retrieve the body.” Changkyun was at their base in the city, in his small underground room because nothing was standing above the ground since the bombings started. He stared at the message, then at Jooheon who was next to him.

It was the first time he saw Jooheon crying in years. It didn’t last long, but it was enough to remind Changkyun that his childhood friend was still human, despite the cold and unforgiving image he gave away to their own soldiers and the enemy.

 

Changkyun lets his head fall back on the headrest and breathes in and out, trying to calm himself down. The old prison is one of their biggest bases. From the few that are still more or less intact, anyway. Soldiers stay in the old inmates’ cells and the commanders use the old faculty room. Hoseok used to be the one in charge there, a close friend to Jooheon and loyal to the revolution to his death.

Changkyun has been informed that Kihyun is the next in line. He can vaguely remember the man from their days at the orphanage. A quiet, serious child. Changkyun wonders what kind of man he grew up to be.

And then there’s the second commander, Hyungwon. The soldiers talk about him a lot, how he’s rumored to be the enemy’s son, growing up in a wealthy family and then deserting, the revolution burning his father’s house to ashes. Changkyun remembers him faintly, a skinny, tall figure around the orphanage at nights. He fell in love with one of the soldiers they say, tried to take their lives together when the enemies found them at an old house. And Changkyun knows that this part is true, he knows the rest of the story too. Hyungwon woke up after hours, vomiting all the poison he had swallowed. Minhyuk, his lover, a lifeless weight on him.

Hyungwon carried the body all the way back to the border to give a proper burial. Not long after, Jooheon promoted him to a commander.

 

Jooheon changes the gear, the car slowing down and the big gray walls appearing behind the mist like looming shadows. Changkyun is getting too cold and just hopes there’s some kind of heating inside, although there’s little chance. He can make out the windows of the buildings and even a few soldiers running around when the car stops completely in the middle of the yard. There are fences around and now the rain has been replaced by snow and cold air. It’s a little after midday, but the sun is already low on the sky.

Jooheon opens the door and jumps out and Changkyun knows he’s run out of time to think. He takes one last look at the buildings through the front window. That’s either the place he’s gonna see the end of the war from, or he’ll leave his last breath. Every story he’s heard about this place has the same ending, whoever gets to the borders never goes back. Not alive at least.

 

He opens the passenger’s door too and climbs down the car, frozen air on his face and his boots deep in mud. He looks around, Jooheon leaning on the hood of the car and lightening a cigar. There are a few soldiers watching them, some bowing briefly to Jooheon before continuing what they were doing. They all have long range guns on them and Changkyun knows there’s way more, hidden under their long coats and in their pockets. Jooheon made sure everyone is well equipped and nobody dares ask where he found the money from.

The old fences of the prison are run down and it’s obvious nobody cares to fix them up. They are not trying to hold anybody in since the enemy is at the other side of the walls. A flag of the revolutionary army is hanging on one of them.

Changkyun walks next to Jooheon, hands into his pockets instead of wrapped around his shivering body in an idiotic act of manliness. He thinks of how Jooheon has always been the better one. A good leader, a strong presence, pushing a whole generation that had been dying of hunger to fight the invaders. He was good with words and with guns too. Changkyun had accepted that he was gonna live in his shadow ever since they were kids. He didn’t really want the spotlight on him, anyway.

 

“Here he is!” Jooheon grins, a man appearing from one of the doors in front of them. His short black hair is pushed back and his face is sharp, from his jawline to his prominent cheekbones and small dark eyes. Yoo Kihyun is nothing like Changkyun remembers, but he, himself has changed too much over the years too.

“My friend” Kihyun hugs Jooheon’s big form tightly, “I was waiting for you.” He takes a step back and looks at Changkyun, his lips tight but his eyes sympathetic. “Im Changkyun, nice to see you again.”

Changkyun bows awkwardly, mutters a “nice to see you too”, although he’d rather be anywhere else instead of this place.

“Jooheon” Kihyun laughs, his voice empty of any feeling, “the kid is gonna freeze to death.”

“Take him inside, I need to get back before it gets completely dark.” Jooheon puts a hand on Changkyun’s back and pushes him forward. “Where’s Hyungwon?”

“The watchtower” Kihyun says and Jooheon’s eyes shoot up to the highest building, its top hidden in the mist.

“I better leave him alone then” Jooheon states, circling the car and taking Changkyun’s duffel bags out.

“Are you leaving?” Changkyun says, in a voice too quiet and too low, trying to hide how scared he is.

“Yeah” Jooheon pulls Changkyun in his arms, “be careful.”

Changkyun nods and Jooheon draws away. He hops back on the car and puts it on reverse, Changkyun watching him driving away until the lights of the car are not visible anymore.

 

Kihyun doesn’t utter a word, just turns around and walks to the door he got out of. Changkyun figures he must follow him and that’s what he does.

The place is big, an empty space with a couch in the middle of the room, three beds pushed near the walls and a big wooden table next to a burning fireplace.

“That’s your bed” Kihyun lifts his hand to show Changkyun, “the toilet is there” he points to a door “and there’s a storage room” and that’s all. He goes to sit next to the table on a rocking chair and Changkyun heads to his bed which is covered with animal furs. There are more on the floor and on the walls. A good way to keep the place warm in the harsh winter.

Changkyun leaves his things and heads to the bathroom to throw some water on his face. He looks at himself at the small mirror above the sink. His blonde hair that is growing too long on top of his head, the wrinkles framing his face that weren’t there a few months ago, his eyes lacking of life. He gets back to the room without even washing himself.

He sits on his bed, takes his laptop out and starts running his programs. He knows how to hold a gun, but it was never his strong point. He has never been on the battlefield, always hidden somewhere, picking up signals from the enemies and finding their positions. Calculating and supporting. Those were the things he had learned how to do and could do well.

He knew he would never be a good replacement for Hoseok who jumped first into the battle for his soldiers to follow. But Jooheon found an opening and decided to use him. Ultimately, he was right, Changkyun could pick up the signals way easier here, the enemies so much closer.

 

He had been working for some time, brows furrowed and glasses low on his nose, the room quiet. Kihyun had carried his chair in front of a fireplace, reading a book. And when the sun had completely vanished from the sky, the door opened to a tall, bony man shaking the snow off of his coat before stepping inside.

He only spares a look at Changkyun, takes his boots off and sits close to Kihyun. They start talking about the enemy’s position, the helicopters flying above them and their declining rations. But hopefully, Hyungwon says, the bad weather will grand them peace and quiet for a few days.

Changkyun falls asleep to the cracking of fire and the low chatter. Just like that young kid used to do all those years back when he was living at the orphanage.

 

 

The days at the border pass torturously slow, the weather only getting worse, snow covering everything by the third day Changkyun is there. Kihyun and Hyungwon don’t talk much to him.

Kihyun spends most of his time with the soldiers training them and Hyungwon sits at the watchtower from dusk till dawn. Changkyun spends his time like he previously did. Running his programs and reporting every enemy activity he can detect to the central.

The soldiers recognize him as an authority, but won’t give him much respect, because after all, he only sits in front of a screen. No acts of bravery and self-sacrifice on his record. Just a scrawny kid as young as most of them. Few are the people who know how many he had saved by informing the commanders of the enemy’s positions and plans. But he’s not the one to boast, and so he waits in line for a meager dinner like the lowest of their troops.

 

On the fourth day, Kihyun leaves a heavy white coat on Changkyun’s bed before heading out.

“There are a millions of ways to die in here”, he says, “and freezing must be the most idiotic out of them.”

Changkyun throws it on his shoulders every time he steps outside and feels a little bigger with it. A little more important, the new gun Jooheon gifted him always tucked at his side.

By the end of the first week he doesn’t even notice the cold air anymore.

 

 

Changkyun is slow sometimes. He gets so engrossed on his tasks that he overlooks everything else, especially anything that he’s not involved in. So even if some things are in front of his eyes all the time, he doesn’t notice. He sees, but he doesn’t really register the way Kihyun and Hyungwon interact, the way they talk and look and touch each other.

If asked, Changkyun would say they’re close friends. They’ve been together through a lot, they’ve been living with each other for years. So Changkyun doesn’t spare a second look when they are sitting too close at the table or when Hyungwon’s hand will go through Kihyun’s hair when they’re talking and Kihyun will form a sad smile up at him. Changkyun doesn’t notice the time they spend together at the bathroom with the door shut or the way Kihyun’s eyes sometimes fall on Hyungwon’s lips and stay there.

 

But he certainly notices when he’s woken up in the middle of the night. The noise is faint, a bed creaking and two people whispering to each other. Changkyun at first doesn’t realize what’s happening, tries to go back to sleep but then takes a glimpse at the other side of the room, illuminated from the fire.

There’s nothing much to see, really. But Changkyun keeps listening to the whispers turning into soft moans and the shadows on the bed moving against each other until there’s momentarily too much noise and then, nothing.

Changkyun watches all of it, even if he can’t make out the faces, or even Kihyun’s and Hyungwon’s voice from each other. It’s a kind of intimacy he has never experienced and honestly, thinks he’s gonna die before he has the chance to. He’s lost in his thought when the scene is heading to the end, Kihyun’s loud voice echoing the room and the two bodies falling lifelessly on top of the bed together.

Changkyun feels like he witnessed something he should have never, like he invaded their personal space in the worst way possible. But he keeps staring, the lump on the bed moving around, the covers being tossed and Hyungwon’s unmistakable form getting up. Then the sound of running water and some more steps and everyone’s in their beds.

Changkyun can’t force himself to sleep, his body reacting to his thoughts, but he doesn’t dare move, doesn’t want them to know he saw and heard any of it. Yet he keeps staring at Kihyun’s direction, the small body under the sheets and he finds himself wishing he was part of this, or, of anything like this.

It’s been years since he last felt truly and genuinely loved. And Jooheon had once told him he can’t afford to love people when at war, when everything could be lost in the blink of an eye.

Changkyun wonders what would happen if he made his presence known a few minutes ago. And then for a brief moment Kihyun turns around looking at Changkyun’s side of the room, the fire burning brightly. And when their eyes meet, Changkyun feels a shiver down his spine before he turns away and puts himself to sleep.

 

 

Obviously, Changkyun doesn’t talk about it. He doesn’t interact with the other two commanding officers but he watches over their every little move. And under all these layers of cold, hard attitudes Changkyun thinks he can see something, something that seems like love, hidden from everyone. Because love makes people vulnerable. And both Hyungwon and Kihyun know that if one of them dies, they simply have to move on because even mourning is permitted.

Changkyun tries to appear as strong as he can too. He keeps a straight face when they bring back wounded soldiers and only breaks down and empties his stomach in the toilet when he’s all by himself again. The long lists of deaths and their spies returning missing bits and pieces of their bodies don’t freak him out anymore. And slowly he becomes as cold as the air around them.

Years after becoming an adult he actually feels like he’s turning into a man. Or, what a man in the middle of the war is supposed to be, the way Jooheon and Kihyun and Hyungwon are men. Because his grandma had told him countless stories. Of his grandpa picking flowers to bring her and baking cakes for her birthday. But his grandpa didn’t live his whole life in war, in fact, he died just a few years before it started.

 

 

Changkyun knows a lot about war. He knows where each and every of their enemies are. He knows they are fighting constantly and their land is still shrinking every day. He holds records of each one of their soldiers, both alive and dead. And yet, a day comes when Changkyun realizes he has never seen the true face of war.

It’s one of the first days that they can actually get some sun and Changkyun is at the yard, watching Kihyun spitting orders to the soldiers. He can see Hyungwon on the tower, leaning against the rail with a pair of binoculars are his neck. And then he’s lighting up something, emitting green gas and everyone’s looking at the sky.

Jooheon taught Changkyun about this. Red for enemies, green for incoming allies. Soon enough, the usual helicopter with their rations for the week appears at the sky. It takes them all some time to realize that something is wrong. Smoke coming out of it, the whole giant mass of steel tumbling down, catching fire.

Changkyun is the closest to the entrance of the yard and the first to run. He doesn’t think when he approaches the helicopter, climbs on it to pull the pilot out, a man twice his size, bleeding on the melting snow.

When Kihyun and some soldiers arrive, Changkyun is on his knees, holding the man who’s breathing too fast and too shallow, coughing up blood. Changkyun is frozen, terrified, because he knows the man is dying and there’s nothing they can do to help him. There’s blood from his stomach, his legs crushed from the crash and Changkyun just holds him as Kihyun opens his uniform to find his ID.

The fire dies out along with the pilot’s breathing.

“Son Hyunwoo?” Kihyun says, almost too gently, taking the man’s hand into his own.

“Yes” the pilot sobs and Changkyun feels him trembling. He must know the end is close.

“You’ve fought bravely for the revolution”, Kihyun opens his coat to take something out. A tiny container with blue liquid. “Your name will not be forgotten.”

Hyunwoo opens his mouth and his last minutes are peaceful, his body going limp against Changkyun.

“Come on”, Kihyun gets up, he places a dirty hand on Changkyun’s head comfortingly. “We’ll burn him along with his helicopter tonight, but you don’t have to stay here.”

Changkyun refuses to go. He watches the soldiers taking what little is saved from their rations from the half burned helicopter. He listens to Kihyun talking to Jooheon on the phone about the enemies shooting down an aircraft inside their own borders. And when the night comes and Hyungwon joins them, Changkyun is the one to spread petrol over the body and lit the fire. They get back to the old prison to watch it burn, the explosion lighting the night sky like fireworks when the flames reach the helicopter’s tank.

 

 

The smell of blood and petrol clings on him for days. On his clothes and his hands and then it’s on his bed and around the whole room too. He just can’t make it go away. He’s not sure if it’s Hyunwoo’s death itself, or it was the incident that triggered everything to come to the surface again. Jooheon and Hoseok dragging them out of the burning orphanage. His grandma having a cardiac arrest in her kitchen, Hoseok’s last voice message, right after he’d been shot and moments before he was captured. Minhyuk’s face the last time Changkyun saw him.

“Changkyun” a voice calls, “wake up, Changkyun”. There’s an arm holding him up on the bed and another one on his chest. The voice tells him to wake up again and again and Changkyun slowly opens his eyes, feels tears running down his cheeks and leans into the warm body next to him.

“I’m sorry” is the first thing he says, unsure of what he’s sorry for. Crying in his sleep and waking the others up? Not being strong enough? Letting the past get a hold of him?

“It’s okay” Kihyun uses that same voice, the one he talked with to Hyunwoo, “take breaths, you’re alright.”

“I saw…” Changkyun keeps crying, his chest rocking with sobs and his head hanging low, “…so many people, Kihyun, so many.”

“I know, Changkyun, they took so many people away from us.” Kihyun pulls him closer and for the first time in so long Changkyun feels safe, warm, loved even, in his half-asleep state. “You’re here with us now, nobody will hurt you.” Both Kihyun and Changkyun know that’s a lie. But a comforting one and Changkyun starts controlling his breathing.

He stops sobbing, wipes his face with his hands knowing he must look terrible like this. He only hopes they aren’t gonna tell Jooheon. Kihyun doesn’t let go yet and so Changkyun collapses on him.

“It’s gonna be alright” Kihyun repeats, slowly petting Changkyun’s hair, “you can sleep again”.

Changkyun looks over at Hyungwon’s bed, only to find it empty. He scans the room and finds him sitting on a chair close to the fireplace, watching them. Hyungwon was always tight lipped, talkative only with Kihyun and somedays not even with him. But for the first time Changkyun looks at him and Hyungwon’s eyes that stare back are soft, a bright light blue next to the scarlet fire.

“He’s right” Hyungwon agrees, “you’re gonna be alright with us.”

And finally, Changkyun’s tiredness overtakes him and he falls asleep. And when he wakes up the next morning Kihyun is still there, curled under the covers next to him.

 

 

When the snow starts melting things are changing in so many ways. The enemies are getting closer than ever, Jooheon sending messages almost every single hour, Kihyun and Hyungwon making sure their army is prepared for the inevitable bloodshed that’s looming over them. Changkyun picks up every little signal, because at this point every piece of information is vital, for his and so many more other lives.

When he’s outside at the field he sometimes picks flowers, small, colorful ones peeking out of the mud, all around the carcass of the helicopter. Changkyun wonders if they hold the souls of all the soldiers they lost at that very place. If that’s the case, he really wishes he could become a flower too when he dies, one like this, the tiny colorful ones, because after so many years he’s come to detest the blue ones Jooheon loves.

And when he goes back to his shared room at night Kihyun is already there, reading his books on his rocking chair and waiting for Hyungwon. And somehow, Changkyun finds himself waiting for Hyungwon too, even more when he wants to fall asleep. There’s a sense of security with the other two being in the same room with him. And although they barely talk, it’s the closest he can have to friends or family. And living in the war Changkyun has learned to not ask for much.

Early at mornings Kihyun wakes him up, makes him some watery coffee and takes him out for shooting practice. Later Changkyun climbs at the watchtower, takes the binoculars from Hyungwon and makes sure the elder goes to eat lunch. And by the time Hyungwon comes back Changkyun has checked if the radars are working properly and has time for his afternoon walk. With the sun setting later and the temperatures not below freezing anymore he can enjoy the little privacy he has as far from the base as his legs can take him.

He knows he’s not fit like their soldiers. He’s not a fighter like Kihyun and he can’t kill enemies with the precision Hyungwon does. All he can do is support them, but it won’t be enough when they’ll be attacked. And even if he hides, he knows countless of people will lose their lives for him. He doesn’t want that, but he doesn’t want to die either. “Protect our data at all costs” Jooheon’s words echo in his head. If he falls to the enemy’s hands he’s gonna have to destruct his laptop first. Then commit suicide, if he’s lucky enough to have so much time.

 

 

“What are you thinking?” Hyungwon asks one night when Changkyun comes back from his walk and sits on his bed, staring at the wall, his coat still on. Kihyun is nowhere to be found.

“I...” he thinks of the last signals he sent to the capital, Jooheon’s worried voice over the phone. “We’re gonna get attacked soon.”

“I know” Hyungwon answers in his thick accent.

“We’re outnumbered and the capital won’t be able to send reinforcements soon enough.” The enemy is coming from all directions and Changkyun remembers the previous bombings, staying hidden in a basement for days, drinking water from dirty broken pipes until a team of paramedics found him on the verge of death. He was wishing he would die the moment the first bomb fell, painlessly.

“That’s true.” Hyungwon comes to stand in front of him. “We can only wish and pray.”

“Aren’t you scared?” Changkyun dares ask. Because Hyungwon never looks scared, nor worried. He’s a calm force that keeps pushing forwards.

“I am not supposed to be here” Hyungwon says, “neither of us does.” Changkyun is too afraid to ask, but Hyungwon keeps talking. “You’re supposed to be at the city with Jooheon and the rest of the heads of the revolution. And I was supposed to be dead long ago.”

“Do you wish to have died that time?” Changkyun doesn’t even know if the stories about Hyungwon are true. But he was taught from early on that men of the revolutionary army do not lie.

“Yes” Hyungwon smiles, “and when I finally die, I will be back to him.”

Changkyun looks up at Hyungwon. He doesn’t really understand, but in a way, he does. And for some reason it feels so natural to stand up, place his palms on Hyungwon’s wide chest and look into his piercing blue eyes. And Hyungwon leans in, places a pair of cold lips against Changkyun and moves slowly, almost like two lovers with all the time in the world, like the ones in Kihyun’s books and in grandma’s stories. But there’s no passion or love, it’s just comfort.

Hyungwon mouths down his jawline, the veins of his neck and Changkyun pulls him closer by the nape feeling Hyungwon’s teeth breaking his skin. He remembers pecking a girl at the orphanage long, long ago. And that one time he kissed Jooheon, high on the blue flowers. But this is different, so much different and he’s clawing on Hyungwon’s clothes with no real purpose.

The door opens and they break apart, breathless. But Kihyun doesn’t seem to mind.

 

 

“Steady, you’re trembling.” Kihyun moves around behind him, trying to position Changkyun’s arm at the right angle again. The sun is up for good and there’s sweat on his brow, his arm getting tired from the gun kicking back with every shot.

Changkyun wants to tell him that all this training is pointless and he can barely shoot a still target, let alone actual, moving people, but he doesn’t have the heart to, because Kihyun actually seems to believe in him.

So he shoots once more and then more after that. And he takes his coat off too, realizing he’s wearing the same clothes he did when he came to the base, but they fit differently now. He’s as skinny as he was, if not more, but has gotten more muscular and fit. Not that it’s gonna help him at the end.

Kihyun is shooting at his own target, every single bullet piercing the center with precision and it looks like Kihyun keeps doing it more out of habit, to let of some steam than for actual practice. Changkyun at last gets too tired, out of bullets and lets his hand fall to his side.

The enemies have encircled them from all sides by now, but they seem to be unmoving, playing a game of cat and mice. They keep asking for reinforcements but Jooheon won’t send any, telling them to make any person count. Maybe he fails to realize that when the border falls everything will be over in a few weeks for the rest of their territory too, or he just has too high hopes for them.

“You’re daydreaming a lot these days” Kihyun laughs, in that sharp way of his, “is it about Hyungwon?”

“No…no” Changkyun fastens his gun in its holster and tries to find something to say, because indeed, he’s been thinking of Hyungwon.

“Changkyun, it’s okay, you don’t have to be shy about it.” Kihyun gets close, he puts his hand on Changkyun’s back and slides it down his waist.

Changkyun takes a deep breath. He thinks of all the nights Kihyun curled into the bed with him, Hyungwon stoically watching them. Of all the times he was awaken long before sunrise to another bed creaking, little whispers and shadows. And maybe he owns Kihyun the truth, now that they are running more and more out of time with every single passing day.

“Sometimes” Changkyun looks at Kihyun and finds only expectation in his eyes, “I think of both of you, together.” And himself in the middle, sitting with them, kissing them, dancing in the dark in the way he’s heard them do so many times before. He just wants.

Kihyun smiles at him gently a moment before he slots his lips on Changkyun’s.

“I think nobody would have a problem with that.”

 

 

“We need more soldiers” Kihyun shouts into the telephone. An equally loud voice comes from the other side and the conversation keeps going like this for long, Hyungwon next to Kihyun on the table and Changkyun at his usual place on his bed. “We’re gonna fucking die if you don’t send help.” It’s the last thing Kihyun says before slamming the speaker down, drowning Jooheon’s voice.

Hyungwon looks at him and Kihyun is seething. He’s been constantly on edge the last days, trying to encourage their soldiers, but they know that they’re not gonna make it on their own too.

“They’re gonna let us rot here” Kihyun lets his head fall on the table. Changkyun has seen him cracking little by little, but now he breaks down completely. “Why doesn’t he understand?”

“Maybe he knows we’re a lost cause.” Hyungwon says and moves closer to wrap his arms around Kihyun’s figure. “And he’s made up his mind, he’s not gonna change it.” Jooheon’s codename, “Alligator”, suits him a lot.

Changkyun runs more programs on his laptop to distract himself. He sends the results to the central although it must be pointless. The signals show the same things again and again and help won’t come. He might as well stop contacting them altogether. He looks at Kihyun, his chest rocking with sobs and Hyungwon rubbing circles on his back.

At last Kihyun stirs, wipes his eyes with the back of his hand and goes to the bathroom. Hyungwon stays at the table, stabbing the wooden surface with his pocket knife, engraving something on it. Changkyun shuts his laptop and places it next to his bed, watching Kihyun coming back into the room.

“Kihyun, come here” he says in the softest voice he can manage.

Kihyun looks up at him like a startled animal for a second and then the bed is dipping under his weight. Changkyun kisses his cheeks, still flushed from the crying. Kihyun makes himself small next to Changkyun, leaning on his shoulder.

“Tell me a story?” Changkyun asks.

“What kind of story?” Kihyun looks confused, a small ball of warmth next to Changkyun.

“You read so much, I’m sure you know many good ones.”

“I want to hear too” Hyungwon says, turning towards them.

“Your favorite one” Changkyun pecks Kihyun’s lips.

Kihyuk’s voice is deep, not as much as Changkyun’s, but also pleasing to listen to. Changkyun suddenly recalls something. Kihyun at the main room of the orphanage, singing to put the youngest children to sleep. He wonders how long it’s been since he last sang.

The story Kihyun tells is a good one. It has castles and dragons and soldiers and princes. Hyungwon gets up from his seat and gets in the bed with them too, at the other side of Kihyun, his hand reaching Changkyun’s waist. And Kihyun talks until his eyes are closing, but he doesn’t stop until the end of the story, a good end. And Hyungwon kisses his temple and tells him that everything is gonna be alright, in that same tone he uses every time Changkyun wakes up from nightmares.

They wake up all together the next morning, the building above their heads somehow still intact. Kihyun is screaming into the phone again before the sun is up.

 

 

They were expecting it, but still it happens unexpectedly one morning, with the stars still on the sky and the sun just peeking at the horizon. The radars start beeping and Changkyun stumbles out of the bed to check what’s wrong. The enemies were unmoving for days. Up until now as it seems.

Hyungwon and Kihyun are on their feet and out of the door in under a minute, Changkyun trying to report to the central. Jooheon, or anyone else don’t seem to be available, or awake, so Changkyun tries again, calling them on the phone, only to find that there’s no connection and their radars have started malfunctioning.

And that’s when he hears it. The deafening sound of war aircrafts above their heads and then, something even louder, bombs dropping around him. His mind goes back to the bombings at the city again, the buildings falling one after the other taking countless of lives with them, people screaming for help under the rumble, begging, but nobody could help.

And just like that time Changkyun’s instinct screams at him to hide, his laptop in hand and the tiny bottle of blue poison in his pocket. The phone rings for only a second, but he’s already running to the storage room, jumping inside the old empty boiler. He knows it’s not safe, if a bomb lands on the building he’s gonna be a goner for sure, but at least nobody will find him.

It seems like hours, although it’s only some minutes, the aircrafts discarding the last of their bombs and their engine sounds dying down, only to be replaced by voices, people screaming and running and the patrolling cars going off. Changkyun doesn’t dare move, shrinking to himself inside the metal boiler, hoping they will be able to handle the casualties.

He thinks of pushing himself to go outside, but the ideal of blood and dead bodies and even the thought of seeing the inevitably collapsed buildings makes him nauseous. So he stays inside, hidden, like he doesn’t exist. He doesn’t even make the effort to open his laptop. Maybe really Jooheon doesn’t care about them as much as Changkyun thought. Or maybe they really are a lost case, already sentenced to die.

He goes to his happy place, that little, secluded part of his childhood when his grandma was still alive and he lived in their big house outside the city. The stories she used to tell him the sole indication that the world was once a nice place to live in. And then grandma had a heart attack and Changkyun, a man already at ten years old had to bury her at their backyard and walk to the town, ask for help at the orphanage at the same time the first of the soldiers were settling down in their city.

Maybe the farm is intact, void of any life, but still standing. Maybe Changkyun can visit it sometime, leave colorful flowers above the ground his grandma rests in. He laughs to himself, with the idiocy of his thoughts. The farm must have been raided by bandits, the wooden house torn down, either by bombs, or by nature itself. And even if it was standing, Changkyun knows he’s never gonna get out of that base. But maybe if he requests it, as a friend of the head of the operations he can be buried next to his grandma when the time comes, or, at least at the church behind the orphanage. He’s gonna ask Jooheon the next time they properly talk.

 

Hyungwon is the one to find him after screaming his name for hours. Changkyun had fallen asleep, then awaken by the metallic door of the boiler opening, a flashlight on his face.

“He’s here!” Hyungwon shouts and steps are echoing, Kihyun looking inside as Changkyun slowly opens his eyes. His clothes are dump from the humidity and his whole body feels sore.

“Changkyun, are you hurt?” Kihyun extends an arm to him and Changkyun just stares, in that middle state between sleeping and awake, trying to remember what happened and where he is.

“I’m not” he mutters, taking Kihyun’s hand weakly and allowing the other man to pull him out, holding his laptop on top of his chest.

Kihyun and Hyungwon manage to take him out, Hyungwon holding him to his trembling feet and Kihyun checking him for wounds or broken limps, but there’s nothing.

“How many did we lost?” Changkyun asks, being carried to their room. He tries to look out of the window, but it’s dark and he can only see smoke swirling to the sky.

He’s put on the bed, finally able to take a good look at the others. Kihyun’s hands that are brown with dried blood and Hyungwon’s coat, ripped and burned.

“A lot, Changkyun.” Hyungwon simply answers sitting on the bed. “The whole west side of the building has collapsed.”

“That’s it.” Kihyun breathes out. “That’s the end.”

He curls next to Changkyun and cries, blood staining the mattress. But it doesn’t matter anymore.

 

 

The following days are quiet. Eerily so. There are totally twenty seven people left at the camp, fires lit night after night to burn the bodies of the soldiers who didn’t make it, sixty three of them, found under the rumble. Hyungwon with a small team is still trying to retrieve whoever is left, to give them a decent ceremony before the enemy strikes again.

The third night after the attack, Hyungwon and Kihyun get back way after midnight, Changkyun waiting for them in front of the burning fire, sitting on one of the furs. He has shut his laptop long ago because there’s no need to pick up signals anymore.

“They’re gonna attack tomorrow morning” he tells the two commanders, noticing how deep the lines go on their faces. “They are just…everywhere around us.” He saw it on the radar, he picked bits and pieces of their soldiers talking. They’re gonna come from every direction and make sure the border base won’t be an obstacle in their plans anymore. They’re not even gonna waste too much of their soldiers and artillery, twenty-seven people is a negligible amount of people.

“We know” Kihyun says, taking his coat off and hanging it next to the door. “We’ve given orders to our men already.”

“What orders?” Changkyun asks. He doesn’t really partake, but he’s usually informed of every major decision.

“They took five of the cars and they are heading to the central” Hyungwon answers, getting rid of his heavy clothing too, “it’s their only chance.”

“Isn’t that desertion?” Changkyun watches them, Kihyun going to the bathroom and Hyungwon staying at the main room.

“No, they’re following orders. They have a signed paper that says that they are driving back to the central after our commands.”

“But you haven’t told Jooheon.”

“No, no we haven’t. You know he would disagree.”

“So we’re the last ones here?”

“Yeah.” Hyungwon smiles, “we would be the ones named deserters if we showed up to the central and be shot at place.”

“We would either die here, or there.” Kihyun shows back in the room, carrying two metallic buckets filled with water. “I’ll rather die peacefully than with Jooheon pointing his gun at me, don’t know about you.”

“Yeah” Changkyun breaths out. Despite thinking so often about the end, his death, he didn’t really think it would come that soon. He’s too tired to let the feeling of despair consume him this time, so he just accepts it. And maybe, finally he’s going to rest, see his grandma, maybe even his parents. Then again, if heaven doesn’t exist even nothingness is better than the constant war.

 

Kihyun asks him to bring the old trough from the store room, then help fill it with buckets of warm water after letting them above the coals on one side of the fireplace.

Getting a bath was Hyungwon’s idea, his last wish. He gets undressed first, gets inside the trough happily, his skin getting red and steam all around him.

Kihyun is the second to shred his clothes off, sinking into the water opposed to Hyungwon, scrubbing his skin with an old sponge and a bar of soap. Changkyun has never seen them completely naked before, but at the same time the situation is so surreal that he doesn’t have much time to think about it.

Kihyun pulls at his sleeve until he’s naked too, squeezed between them in the warm water. And honestly, he doesn’t remember the last time he had a warm shower, or was sitting skin to skin with someone.

And it’s only when Kihyun washes his back, soft, careful motions and skilled fingers on his spine, through his hair, that he craves to be touched more. And then it’s his turn to wash Hyungwon, the taller man leaning on Changkyun’s chest and enjoying every minute of the process. Changkyun has never been so daring with anyone before, leaving a kiss on the crown of Hyungwon’s hair. Hyungwon turns to look up at him, with his icy blue eyes. Changkyun remembers how much they used to scare him, how he thought they are void of life. At this moment, that’s the liver Hyungwon has ever been. Maybe because he knows he’s going to die so soon.

“Let’s go to the bed” Kihyun says gently, quietly, the water already gone cold, but the room warm.

There are towers thrown to one of the chairs. They smell musky, but nobody cares and Changkyun is pushed back on the bed soon, Hyungwon’s weight on him.

And they’ve kissed so many times before, but this one is different, it’s slow and deep, Kihyun on their side kissing his neck, his collarbones and going down slowly.

The sky is still pitch black and they have their time. Hyungwon marks him, leaves violet trails down his body and nests between his legs and Changkyun has never though a mere swirl of a tongue could feel so good that it would make his whole body shudder.

So he gets kissed and kisses back. He loses track of time, track of hands on his body and of mouths on him. And they take good care of him, again and again until Changkyun is a mess, sitting on Hyungwon’s lap, Kihyun draped on his back.

And even after they are all spent they keep going, slowly, because there’s no point to stopping once they get tired, there will be no next day to continue. So Changkyun takes as much as he can get and gives back everything he has. And when the first ray of sun peeks in, they lay side by side on the wide bed, still naked.

 

He wonders how Kihyun got that big scar on his leg and how many moles he could count of Hyungwon’s chest and he is content, because he couldn’t be able to think of a better ending.

“They’re gonna be here soon” he mutters, breaking the comfortable silence, only for the other two to sleepily nod.

Changkyun is the first one to get up, dresses slowly only in his pants and shirt. He loves his coat, but he’s not gonna need it anymore. He knows he must have a hundred messages waiting in his laptop, but he doesn’t bother. The central have radars of their own, they are gonna be okay. So he throws the device into the fire, now burning low.

Hyungwon gets up too, wears everything, including his coat. He goes outside holding a torch made of cloth and wood.

Changkyun and Kihyun watch him walk to the fence, burning down the revolutionary flag that’s hanging there. Growing up they’ve learned that if there’s one thing they should never hand to the enemy is that, their flag, their honor and pride.

And when they are all back together inside, fully clothed they sit around the table, Kihyun on his rocking chair as always.  The sun rises and they take out the small bottles they have always on them. Hyungwon sits up straight and looks at them. He smiles and for him, Changkyun thinks, death must be bittersweet.

“Thank you, commanders.” Kihyun says, uncapping the tiny bottle and lifting it to his lips. “Cheers.”

The smell of flowers fills the room and there are birds chirping outside.

Maybe it’s just the blue flower and some crows, but if Changkyun tries hard enough, it almost sounds like when he was too young, so young he can’t even really recall any of it.

He feels the sweet liquid sliding down his throat and lets himself get lost in the memory he has created out of the books and his grandma’s stories. Of a spring without war.

He gives his last smile to Kihyun and Hyungwon, and before his eyelids fall shut he sees that they are smiling back at him too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.


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